For you I undress down to the sheaths of my nerves.
I remove my jewelry and set it on the nightstand,
I unhook my ribs, spread my lungs flat on a chair.
I dissolve like a remedy in water, in wine.
I spill without staining, and leave without stirring the air.
I do it for love. For love, I disappear.
“Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
Which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide.
And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.”
e.e. cummings
After several hours of chest pain and some fear of it being related to lupus via either pericarditis or pleurisy, I finally went. Of course you get fast tracked for chest pain. Johnny on, 20 billion sticky bits for the EKG, trying to give complete history while you hurt, while everyone is fucking with you. My blood pressure was 171 over idk. I was dumbfounded, I run low end of normal and check it regularly with an automatic cuff. My resting HR was up to 120s when normal for me is 62-67, usually not above 70, in other words lower than most people. I saw nurse turn a switch on the defib machine at one point, comforting. I was so dehydrated they were short two vials of blood for me. It just stopped coming and tapping other veins got nothing. Two chest x-rays. Idk what else…
So I spend hours there. Takes an hour and a half for my blood pressure to go down to 150 something over whatever, pulse still crazy. At one point my pulse dropped without me moving from 115 to 70 then back up fast out of nowhere…machine fluke or what idk.
After no updates, no attempts at hydration, no clue what was going on, a nurse practitioner comes in and announces it’s musculoskeletal. He didn’t identify himself, looked like doctor, there had been a shift change. I said, “That’s it? All this stuff that has never happened to me before and that’s the answer?” I started getting dressed, walked out without discharge papers or signing shit and that was that.
I’m home now and nothing has changed. If it gets worse, I guess I’ll just go to the other hospital with the better reputation 40 minutes away. Even my dad (nurse of over 20 years) was alarmed at my BP and HR.
Still hurts when I take a deep breath too.
I’ve been sick about four times since my last round of high dose corticosteroids, two and a half weeks ago. It’s starting to get less severe (I’ll get whatever really bad for a few days, then pass it along for a short stay of a day or two in J) but I would really like my immune system back. Even if it’s just going to start attacking me again =/.
Almost ended up back in the ER (second time in as many weeks) over the last deal, some crazy lung thing. I was coughing up so much to the point I couldn’t inhale and I’d gag/vomit, and had the definite pain in chest that indicates issues like pleurisy or something. Wasn’t nauseous in the slightest, it’d only come from coughing fits so hard with so much mucus that I just couldn’t breathe or get a break.
Thinking about it, I need to lie down for awhile. Feels like a 90 year old body snatches me sometimes. Maybe I should come up with a nice old-fashioned name for her.
Jesus fucking CHRIST, Mormons name their kids fucked up shit. FUCKED UP SHIT.
A girl named Chinchilla Zest. First name. Confederate America. Also a girl. And don’t forget precious little PORKCHOP. Poor girl. Poor, poor girl. I hope she doesn’t grow up to be chubby at least.
Let’s see…new stuff.
I purchased Wildwood the day it came out. Haven’t gotten to start yet. Reading together.
Also picked up the Book of Shadows IV from Urban Decay today, has some new feature with tutorials, a mini speaker keychain thing, and idk…we’ll see. I like the colors unique to the box as usual, and as usual there are many repeat colors I have elsewhere…but I can’t resist collecting them all. It does feature the new liquid 24/7 liner (though I have a full size already in the black [perversion] and hot pink [woodstock]) and the new curling mascara (haven’t tried this yet, but wasn’t necessarily interested in it). I like Blue Bus, Bender, Crystal, and Missionary best from what I can see thus far.
What else? Not sure. Recent picture?
Thinking about cutting my hair for fall. I don’t know if I want to lose any length, but maybe bangs, perhaps. Haven’t decided yet.
Summer is ending. Floods have been crazy here. Tropical Storm Irene was crazy. It’s just been nonstop rain since. Hard to do anything when it rains constantly, getting a little cabin fever. Rain only seems to stop at night when there’s nothing to do/nowhere to go, and it’s far far too late.
Interesting stuff:
Awesome artwork.
Commonplace books. (A new project idea??)
“Such books were essentially scrapbooks filled with items of every kind: medical recipes, quotes, letters, poems, tables of weights and measures, proverbs, prayers, legal formulas. Commonplaces were used by readers, writers, students, and humanists as an aid for remembering useful concepts or facts they had learned. Each commonplace book was unique to its creator’s particular interests.”
I am thrilled today. Got approved for 24 month financing on a Tempur-Pedic Cloud Supreme mattress. Queen size, includes the protective cover (part of fulfilling your end of the 20 year warranty), and a high profile base layer. Also getting two $129 Comfort pillows as well as part of a package. Also, free shipping from a nearby town. We ended up saving money, getting a ton of stuff free, and holy shit my body is going to thank me. My aches and pain upon waking up better improve some!
We tried the basic Cloud model, which the one I thought I wanted originally, but it was too hard. And the the highest level one is too soft, you sort of fall off the bed it’s so soft. But the mid-level was perfect. I felt like Goldilocks testing all the mattresses.
Updated tumblr with a couple of shitty clips from last night’s Yann Tiersen show. I was too distracted with music and being so sick I was dizzy to capture anything good, like the crazy melodica solo. 
Dust Lane is so unlike a lot of his previous work. Which is both awesome and saddening.
“Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable – your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities and hungers – and pretend they’re across the room. It’s too ugly to be human. It’s too ugly to be you. Children are afraid of the dark because they have nothing to work with. Adults are afraid of themselves.”